Welcome to John

Welcome to

John's Joke page nr.6

********************************************'

Some race horses staying in a stable. One of them starts to
boast about his track record. "In the last 16 races, I've won 8
of them!"

Another horse breaks in, "Well in the last 27 races, I've won
20!!"

"Oh that's good, but in the last 37 races, I've won 29!" says
another, flicking his tail.

At this point, they notice that a greyhound dog has been
sitting there listening. "I don't mean to boast," says the
greyhound, "but in my last 91 races, I've won 89 of them!"

The horses are clearly amazed. "Wow!" says one, after a
hushed silence. "A talking dog."

************************
THE LOVE DRESS

The mother-in-law stopped unexpectedly by the recently
married couple's house. She rang the doorbell and stepped into
the house. She saw her daughter-in-law standing naked by the
door.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work," the
daughter-in-law answered.

"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.

"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.

"Love dress? But you're naked!"

"My husband loves me to wear this dress! It makes him happy
and it makes me happy. I would appreciate it if you would leave
because he will be home from work any minute."

The mother-in-law was tired of all this romantic talk and left. On
the way home she thought about the love dress. When she got
home she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume and
waited by the front door. Finally her husband came home. He
walked in and saw her standing naked by the door.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"This is my love dress" she replied.

"Needs ironing." he said.
***************************************************
By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he
was feeling better.

*Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

*On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it
had completely disappeared.

*The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing
me in 1983.

*The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to
be depressed.

*Discharge status: Alive but without permission.

*Healthy-appearing decrepit sixty-nine-year-old male, mentally
alert but forgetful.

*The patient refused an autopsy.

*The patient has no past history of suicides.

*The patient expired on the floor uneventfully.

*Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.

*The patient's past medical history has been remarkably
insignificant, with only a forty-pound weight gain in the past three
days.

*She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate
directions in early December.

*The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane
ran out of gas and crashed.

*She is numb from her toes down.

*The skin was moist and dry.

*Patient was alert and unresponsive.

*When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.

***********************

At a computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly
compared the computer industry with the auto industry and
stated:
"If GM had kept up with the technology like the computer
industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got
1,000 miles to the gallon.

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors should have
issued a press release stating: "If GM had developed
technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the
following characteristics: (Part I)

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a
day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would
have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no
reason. You would have to pull over to the side of the road,
close all of the car windows, shut it off, restart it, and reopen
the windows before you could continue. For some reason you
would simply accept this.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn
would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in
which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Only one person at a time could use the car unless you
bought "CarNT," but then you would have to buy more seats

6. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun,
was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive- but
would only run on five percent of the roads.

7. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights
would all be replaced by a single "General Protection Fault"
warning light.

****************************************

One night, a father passed by his son's room and heard
his son praying: "God bless Mommy, Daddy, and
Grandma. Ta ta, Grandpa."

The father didn't quite know what this meant, but was glad
his son was praying. The next morning, they found
Grandpa dead on the floor of a heart attack. The father
reassured himself that it was just a coincidence, but was
still a bit spooked.

The next night, he heard his son praying again: "God
bless Mommy and Daddy. Ta ta, Grandma."

The father was worried, but decided to wait until morning.
Sure enough, the next morning Grandma was on the floor,
dead of a heart attack.

Really scared now, the father decided to wait outside his
son's door the next night. And sure enough, the boy
started to pray: "God bless Mommy. Ta ta, Daddy."

Now the father was crapping his pants. He stayed up all
night, and went to the doctor's early the next day to make
sure his health was fine. When he finally came home, his
wife was waiting on the porch. She said, "Thank God
you're here -- we could really use your help! We found the
milkman dead on our porch this morning!"

**************************

The tired doctor was awakened by a phone call in the middle
of the night.

"Please, you have to come right over," pleaded the
distraught young mother. "My child has swallowed a
contraceptive." The physician dressed quickly, but before he
could get out the door, the phone rang again.

"You don't have to come over after all," the woman said with
a sigh of relief. "My husband just found another one."

***************************

This made me laugh. If you've read any e-mail going around about the number "11," you will surely enjoy
David's response to it. Don't know who David is, however his response is hilarious! I could not have said it
better.

Be sure to read beyond the 'Original Letter'.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Original Letter...

The date of the attack: 9/11 - 9 + 1 + 1 = 11
September 11th is the 254th day of the year: 2 + 5 + 4 = 11
After September 11th there are 111 days left to the end of the year.
119 is the area code to Iraq/Iran. 1 + 1 + 9 = 11
Twin Towers - standing side by side look like the number 11
The first plane to hit the towers was Flight 11
State of New York - The 11th State added to the Union
New York City - 11 Letters
Afghanistan - 11 Letters
The Pentagon - 11 Letters
Ramzi Yousef - 11 Letters (convicted or orchestrating the attack at the
WTC in 1993)
Flight 11 - 92 on board - 9 + 2 = 11
Flight 77 - 65 on board - 6 + 5 = 11

Dave's response...

Oh my Gawd! How worried should I be? There are 11 letters in the name
David Pawson! I'm going into hiding NOW. See you in a few weeks.
Wait a sec ... just realized "YOU CAN'T HIDE" also has 11 letters! What
am I gonna do? Help me!!! The terrorists are after me! ME! I can't believe it!
Oh crap, there must be someplace on the planet Earth I could hide!
But no ..."PLANET EARTH" has 11 letters, too!
Maybe Nostradamus can help me. But dare I trust him? There are 11
letters in "NOSTRADAMUS."
I know, the Red Cross can help. No they can't... 11 letters in "THE RED
CROSS" - obviously can't trust them.
I would rely on self-defense, but "SELF DEFENSE" has 11 letters in it,
too! Can someone please help?
Anyone? If so, send me email. No, don't... "SEND ME EMAIL" has 11 letters....
Will this never end? I'm going insane! "GOING INSANE???" Eleven letters!!
Nooooooooooo!!!!!! I guess I'll die alone, even though "I'LL DIE ALONE" has 11 letters.....
Oh my Gawd, I just realized that America is doomed! Our Independence Day
is July 4th ... 7/4 ... 7+4=11!
- - Dave
P.S. "IT'S BULLSHIT" also has 11 letters!

********************

This is Solid Advice.

If you bought $1000 worth of Nortel stock one year ago, it
would now be worth $49. If you bought $1000 worth of
Budweiser (the beer, not the stock) one year ago, drank all the
beer, and traded in the cans for the nickel deposit, you would
have $79.

My advice to you is to start drinking heavily.

**************************

A man goes to Victoria Secret to buy his wife the most sheer lingerie
he can find. The woman behind the counter goes and gets an outfit.

"This is $200," she says.
"I want one that's more sheer," says he.
"This one is $350."
"I want it even more sheer than that."
"This one is the most sheer that we have. It's $500."
"I'll take it!"

The man goes home to his wife and shows it to her saying, "Go put
this on and come down to model it for me." His wife goes upstairs,
opens the box and thinks, "This thing is so see-through that the old
coot won't even notice if I'm wearing it or not. I can take this back for
a refund and he won't know the difference."

So his wife comes out wearing nothing at all and strikes a pose at the
top of the stairs.

"So, how do you like it?" she asks. Her husband then complains,
"Darn, you'd think for $500 they'd iron the dang thing!"

*****************************

Each evening bird lover Tom stood in his backyard, hooting like
an owl - and one night, an owl called back to him. For a year,
the man and his feathered friend hooted back and forth. He even
kept a log of the "conversation." Just as he thought he was on
the verge of a breakthrough in interspecies communication, his
wife had a chat with her next door neighbor.

"My husband spends his nights calling out to owls," she said.

"That's odd," the neighbor replied. "So does my husband."

They paused then started to laugh.

***************************

I stopped at a florist shop after work to pick up roses for my
wife. As the clerk was putting the finishing touches on the
bouquet, a young man burst through the door, breathlessly
requesting a dozen red roses.

"I'm sorry," the clerk said. "This man just ordered our last
bunch." The desperate customer turned to me and begged, "May I
please have those roses?"

"What happened?" I asked. "Did you forget your wedding
anniversary?"

"It's even worse than that," he confided. "I crashed my wife's
hard drive!"

***************************

A couple of boys were fishing at their special pond off the
beaten track. All of a sudden, the Game Warden jumped out of
the bushes. Immediately, one of the boys threw his rod down
and started running through the woods like a bat out of hell. The
Game Warden was hot on his heels.

After about a half mile, the boy stopped and stooped over with
his hands on his thighs to catch his breath, so the Game Warden
finally caught up to him. "Let's see yer fishin' license, little man!"
the Warden gasped.

With that, the boy pulled out his wallet and gave the Game
Warden a valid fishing license.

"Well, son," said the Game Warden, "you must be about as dumb
as a box of rocks! You don't have to run from me if you have a
valid license!"

"Yes, sir," replied the boy, "but my friend back there, well, he
don't have one."

**********************************

This man was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd
left the light on in the garden shed which she could see from the bedroom
window. Then he looked for himself and saw that there were people in the
shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, but they told him that no one was in
his area to help, so he said ok, hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the
police
again.
"Hello. I just called you a few seconds ago because there
were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now cause
I've just shot them all."

Within five minutes there were half a dozen police cars in the area, an
Armed Response
unit, the works. Of course, they caught the burglars red-handed. One of the
policeman
said to this man: "I thought you said that you'd shot them!" He replied "I
thought you said
there was nobody available!"

***********************

One day a policeman stopped a motorist who had just gone
through a four way stop sign and was about to give him a ticket
when the motorist said.

"Officer you can't give me a ticket for that!"

"Why not" said the officer.

"Because although I did not stop I slowed right down and its
almost the same."

"But you did not stop" replied the officer, and the sign says
STOP."

"But the way was clear and it was safe" replied the motorist.

The officer then pulls out his baton and starts hitting the
motorist's car.

"What are you doing!" yells the motorist in surprise.

"Do you want me to slow down or stop?" says the officer.

*************************

This guy was lonely, and decided life would be
more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet
store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an
unusual pet. After some discussion, he finally
bought a centipede, which came in a little white
box to use for his house.

He took the box back home, found a good location
for the box, and decided he would start off by
taking his new pet to the bar to have a drink.

So he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you
like to go to Frank's with me and have a beer?"

But there was no answer from his new pet. This
bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes
and then asked him again, "How about going to the
bar and having a drink with me?"

But again, there was no answer from his new friend
and pet. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking
about the situation.

He decided to ask him one more time; this time
putting his face up against the centipede's house and
shouting, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to Frank's
place and have a drink with me?"

A little voice came out of the box: "I heard you
the first time! I'm putting on my shoes."

***************************''

What's the Gender of your Computer?

An English teacher was explaining to his students the concept of gender
association in the English language. He noted how hurricanes at one time
were given only female names, and how ships and planes were usually
referred to as "she."

One of the students raised her hand and asked, "What
gender is a computer?" The teacher wasn't certain. So he divided the class
into two groups: males in one, females in the other, and asked them to
decide if a computer should be masculine or feminine.

Both groups were
asked to give four reasons for their recommendations. The group of women
concluded that computers should be referred to as masculine because:

1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.

2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.

3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time,
they
ARE the problem.

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a
little
longer, you could have had a better model.

The men, on the other hand, decided that computers should definitely be
referred to as feminine because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is
incomprehensible to everyone else.

3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later
retrieval.

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half
your paycheck on accessories for it.

***********************

A good friend who is now a police officer once told me a about a fire
they had in their neighborhood when he was about 12 years old.

One fall evening he was in his back yard with his family near a camp
fire roasting hot dogs and marshmallows. All of a sudden he heard a
fire truck with it's siren screaming drive by his house.

He got up and ran down the block to see the fire truck stopped at a
neighbors home. He ran up to one of the firemen and asked where him the
fire was.

The fireman stared down at him for a couple seconds with puzzled look on
his face, then shook his head and walked away. He was puzzled by the
fireman reaction until he realized he still had the stick with the
marshmallow in his hand.

*******************************

This guy was lonely, and decided life would be
more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet
store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an
unusual pet. After some discussion, he finally
bought a centipede, which came in a little white
box to use for his house.

He took the box back home, found a good location
for the box, and decided he would start off by
taking his new pet to the bar to have a drink.

So he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you
like to go to Frank's with me and have a beer?"

But there was no answer from his new pet. This
bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes
and then asked him again, "How about going to the
bar and having a drink with me?"

But again, there was no answer from his new friend
and pet. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking
about the situation.

He decided to ask him one more time; this time
putting his face up against the centipede's house and
shouting, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to Frank's
place and have a drink with me?"

A little voice came out of the box: "I heard you
the first time! I'm putting on my shoes."

************************

A few years ago, I decided to visit my brother who was
stationed in Germany. I assumed that most Germans would
speak English. But I found that many people spoke only their
native tongue - including the ticket inspector on the train. He
punched my ticket, then chatted cordially for a bit, making
gestures like a windmill. I simply nodded from time to time to
show him that I was interested. When he had gone, an American
woman soldier in the compartment leaned forward and asked if I
spoke German.

"No," I confessed.

"Then that explains," she said, "why you didn't bat an eyelid
when he told you that you were on the wrong train."

***********************

Damn! It's good to be a man...

People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.

The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.

New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with:
"So, notice anything different?"

One mood, ALL the damn time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

You know stuff about tanks.

A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

You can open all your own jars.

Dry cleaners and barbers don't rob you blind.

You can leave the motel bed unmade.

You can kill your own food.

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still
be your friend.

**********************

While on a car trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside
restaurant for lunch. The woman left her glasses on the table,
but didn't miss them until they were back on the highway. By
then, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a
place to turn around.

The man fussed and complained all the way back to the
restaurant. When they finally arrived, as the woman got out of
the car to retrieve her glasses, the old man said, "While you're in
there, you may as well get my hat, too."

***************************

A woman walked up to the manager of a department store. "Are
you hiring any help?" she asked.

"No," he said, "We already have all the staff we need."

"Then would you mind getting someone to wait on me?"
she asked.

***************************

"It's just a cold," the doctor said. "There is no cure, and
you'll just have to live with it until it goes away."

"But Doctor," the patient whined, "it's making me so
miserable."

The doctor rolled his eyes toward the ceiling. Then he
said, "Look, go home and take a hot bath. Then put a
bathing suit on and run around the block three or four
times."

"What!" the patient exclaimed. "I'll get pneumonia!"

"We have a cure for pneumonia," the doctor said.

***********************

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

*************************

A lady came to the hospital to visit a friend. She had
not been in a hospital for several years and felt
uneasy, not knowing about all the new technology. A
technician followed her onto the elevator, wheeling a
large, intimidating looking machine with tubes and
wires and dials.

"Boy, would I hate to be hooked up to that thing," she
said.

"So would I," replied the technician. "It's a
floor-cleaning machine."

*************************

A photographer for a national magazine was assigned to
take pictures of a great forest fire. He was advised that
a small plane would be waiting to fly him over the fire.

The photographer arrived at the airstrip just an hour
before sundown. Sure enough, a small Cessna airplane
was waiting. He jumped in with his equipment and
shouted, "Let's go!" The tense man sitting in the pilot's
seat swung the plane into the wind and soon they were
in the air, though flying erratically.

"Fly over the north side of the fire," said the
photographer, "and make several low-level passes."

"Why?" asked the nervous pilot.

"Because I'm going to take pictures!" yelled the
photographer. "I'm a photographer, and photographers
take pictures."

After a long pause, the "pilot" replied: "You mean,
you're not my instructor?"

*************************

Three nuns on a train had been getting to know one
another and decided to tell each other what their
greatest sins were.

The first nun says, "My greatest sin is sex. Every year I
go out for a week and work as a prostitute. Of course,
I put all the money I earn into the poor box."

The second nun says, "My greatest sin is drinking.
Every year I take the money from the poor box and go
out drinking for a solid week."

The third just sits there quietly.

So the first nun says to her, "Come on, we've told you
our worst sins. Now you have to tell us yours."

The third nun says, "My greatest sin is that I gossip,
and I can't wait to get off this train!"

*********************

A zookeeper wanted to get some extra animals for his
zoo, so he decided to compose a letter, the only
problem, was that he didn't know the plural of
'Mongoose'.

He started the letter: "To whom it may concern, I need
two Mongeese."

No, that won't work, he tried again: "To whom it may
concern, I need two Mongooses." Is that right?

Finally, he got an idea: "To whom it may concern, I
need a Mongoose, and while you're at it, send me
another one."

Quick Wit

A 3-year-old was diligently pounding away on her
father's word processor. She told him she was writing
a story.

"What's it about?", he asked.

"I don't know.", she replied, "I can't read."

***********************

Ed and Joe -- eatin' breakfast in a cafe. Ed noticed something funny about
Joe's ear. He said, 'Joe, did you know you've got a suppository in your left
ear?'
'I have?' replied Joe. 'A suppository?' and he pulled it out and looked at
it hard and said, 'Ed, I'm glad you saw this thing! Now I know where my
hearin' aid is?'

*************************'

A boy, who was a witness in court, was asked by a lawyer:

"Did anyone tell you what to say in court?"

"Yes, sir."

"I thought so! Who was it?"

"My father, sir."

"And what did he tell you?"

"He said the lawyers would try to get me all tangled up, but
if I stuck to the truth, I would be all right."

**********************

********************

A lady inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Husband
wanted". Next day she received a hundred letters. They
all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

**************************

A Polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender,

"I'll have a gin............................... and tonic."

The bartender asks, "What's with the big pause?"

The bear says, "I dunno, I've always had them."

*******************

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