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John's Joke page nr.5

There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things
mechanical. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily
retired.
Several years later the company contacted him regarding a seemingly
impossible problem they were having with one of their multimillion dollar
machines. They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine to
work but to no avail. In desperation, they called on the retired engineer
who had solved so many of their problems in the past.
The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. He spent a day studying the
huge machine. At the end of the day, he marked a small "x" in chalk on a
particular component of the machine and stated, "This is where your problem
is". The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again.
The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his service.
They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges. The engineer responded
briefly: One chalk mark, $1. Knowing where to put it, $49,999. It was paid
in full and the engineer retired again in peace.

*****************

First woman: "My dog is so smart that every morning he
waits for the paper to come round and then he takes
the newspaper and brings it to me."

Second woman: "I know."

First woman: "How?"

Second woman: "My dog told me."

*****************

Years ago, when they were asking people to go to Siberia, this young man
decided to go.He told his best friend about it, and his friend thought that it may
be a good idea for him as well.He asked his friend if he could write to him how it
was there.Hos friend agreed, but as it was dangerous to say anything negative
about Siberia, they decided that he would write the letter in red ink if what he
wrote was a lie, and in blue if it was the truth.
Several months later the friend recived a letter from Siberia, and it was from his
friend,and it was written in blue ink.He Wrote:
Dear friend.
Here I am in Siberia.I'm truly glad that I came to this bit of paradise on
earth.The job I have is just the best and the wages are 4 times of what I got
before.I live in a luxurious apartment.I have kaviar and champagne every day,
and the girls are the most beautiful I have ever seen.
There is only one thing wrong.
"There is no red ink to be bought anywhere here."

*********************

While the brokers were busily calling potential customers to drum up business, the
president of the firm stopped to eavesdrop on a new employee. He listened as the
young man talked eight consecutive contacts into moving their stock portfolios to him.
The boss approached the young man and said, "I've been listening in, and I must say
I'm impressed with your ability.
Where did you learn so much about talking to investors?"
"Yale, sir," the young man answered.
Impressed, the boss said, "Oh, that's fine, just fine. And what's your name?"
"Yackson," he replied.

********************

A boy was taking care of his baby sister while his parents went to town
shopping. He decided to go fishing so he took her with him.

"I'll never do that again!" he told his mother that evening.
"I didn't catch a thing!"

"Oh, next time I'm sure she'll be quiet and not scare the fish away,"
his mother said.

The boy said, "It wasn't that. She ate all the bait."

*******************

A man's car was stalled in the middle of a busy street, and
the woman behind him honked continuously as he tried to
restart it. Finally, the man got out and walked to the
woman's car.
"I can't seem to get my car started," the man said,
smiling. "If you'll go and start it for me, I'll stay here
and lean on your horn."

*********************

"Daddy, where did I come from?" the seven-year-old asked.
It was a moment for which her parents had carefully
prepared. They took her into the living room, got out the
encyclopedia and several other books, and explained all they
thought she should know about sexual attraction, affection,
love, and reproductions.

Then they both sat back and smiled contentedly.

"Does that answer your question?" her father asked.

"Not really," the little girl said. "Marcia said she
came from Detroit. I want to know where I came from."

*********************

A man went skydiving for the first time. After listening to the
instructor for what seemed like days, he was ready to go. Excited, he
jumped out of the airplane. About five seconds later, he pulled the
ripcord. Nothing happened. He tried again. Still nothing. He started
to panic, but remembered his back- up chute. He pulled that cord.
Nothing happened. He frantically began yanking both cords to no avail.

Suddenly he looked down, and he couldn't believe his eyes. Another man
was in the air with him, but this guy was going up! Just as the other
guy passed by, the skydiver yelled, "Hey, do you know anything about
skydiving?"

The other guy yelled back, "No! Do you know anything about gas stoves?"

********************

A businessman from Wisconsin went on a business trip to
Louisiana. Upon arrival, he immediately plugged his laptop
into the hotel room port and sent a short email back home to
his wife, Jennifer Johnson, at her address,
JennJohnson@global.com.

Unfortunately, in his haste, he mistyped a letter and the
email ended up going to JeanJohnson@global.com, a Jean
Johnson in Duluth, the wife of a priest who had just passed
away and was buried that day. The priest's wife took one look
at the E-mail and promptly fainted.

It read: "Arrived safely, but it sure is hot down here!"

*******************

My kids love going to the Web, and they keep track of their passwords by
writing them on Post-it notes.

I noticed their Disney password was "MickeyMinnieGoofyPluto," and so I
asked why it was so long.

"Because," my son explained, "they say it has to have at least four
characters

******************

Jack, a lawyer, lies dying with his partner of 40 years by his
bedside. "Mike, I've got to confess. I've been sleeping with
your wife for 30 years and I'm the father of your daughter.
On top of that, I've been stealing from the firm for a
decade."

"Relax," says Mike, "and don't think another thing about it.
I'm the one who put arsenic in your martini."

*****************

A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a
large beautiful parrot.
There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00.

"Why so little," she asked the pet store owner?

The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should
tell you first that this bird used
to live in a house of prostitution, and sometimes it
says some pretty vulgar stuff."
The woman thought about this, but decided she had to
have the bird anyway.
She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her
living room and waited for it to say something.

The bird looked around the room, then at her, and
said, "New house, new madam."
The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but
then thought "that's not so bad."

When her two teenage daughters returned from school
the bird saw them and said, "New house, new madam, new girls."
The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then
began to laugh about the situation.

Moments later, the woman's husband, Keith, came home from work.

The bird looked at him and said, "Hi Keith!"

********************

A lawyer returns to his parked BMW to find the headlights
broken and considerable damage. There's no sign of the
offending vehicle but he's relieved to see that there's a
note stuck under the windshield wiper.
"Sorry. I just backed into your Beemer. The witnesses who saw
the accident are nodding and smiling at me because they think
I'm leaving my name, address and other particulars. But I'm
not."

*********************

Hillary Clinton died and went to heaven. As she stood in
front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, she saw a huge wall
of clocks behind him.
She asked, "What are all those clocks?"
St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth
has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock
will move."
"Oh," said Hillary, "who's clock is that?"
"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved
indicating that she never told a lie."
"Whose clock is that?"
"That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have only moved
twice, telling us that Abe only told 2 lies in his entire
life."
Hillary asked, "Where's Bill's clock?"
"Bill's clock is in my office. I'm using it as a ceiling
fan."

*******************

Two elderly women were out driving in a
large car, neither could barely see over the
dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to
an intersection. The stoplight was red but they just
went on through. The woman in the passenger seat
thought to herself, "I must be losing it, I could have
sworn we just went through a red light."

After a few more minutes they
came to another intersection, the light
was red, and again they went right through.
This time, the passenger was almost sure
that the light had been red, but was
also concerned that she might be seeing
things. She was getting nervous and decided to
pay very close attention.

At the next intersection, sure
enough, the light was definitely red and
they went right through it. She turned to the
other woman and said, "Mildred! Did you
know we just ran through three red lights in
a row? You could have killed us"

Mildred turned to her and said,
"Oh Shit! Am I driving?"

*************************

A man was sitting in the public toilet.He was very
constipated and had been there for quite a while when
he heard the footsteps of someone running.The door to the cubicle next
to him was flung open and shut and there was an explosion.
He said to the man next door
"How lucky you are.I envy you.I'm constipated and have been here for about an hour".
The man next door replyed
"Lucky you say.I didn't even have time to get my pants down".

************************

The angry wife met her husband at the door. There was alcohol
on his breath and lipstick on his collar. "I assume," she
snarled, "that there is a very good reason for you to come
waltzing in here at six o'clock in the morning?"

"There is," he replied. "Breakfast."

*************************

Newlyweds
----------
A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon.
When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother.
Her mother asked, "How was the honeymoon?"

"Oh, mama," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful!
So romantic..." Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, mama,
as soon as we returned Sam started using the most horrible
language...things I'd never heard before! I mean, all these
awful 4-letter words! You've got to come get me and take
me home.... Please mama!"

"Sarah, Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! Tell me, what
could be so awful? What 4-letter words?"

"Please don't make me tell you, mama," wept the daughter,
"I'm so embarrassed they're just too awful! Come get me,
please!"

"Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset....
Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!"

Still sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, mama...words like DUST,
WASH, IRON, COOK...!"

**************************

Snoring
~~~~~~
By the time the sailor pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken.

"You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded. "Or just a bed, I
don't care where."

"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant - an Air Force guy,"
admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to
tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms
have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."

"No problem," the tired Navy man assured him. "I'll take it."

The next morning the sailor came down to breakfast bright-eyed and
bushy-tailed. "How'd you sleep?" asked the manager.

"Never better."

The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring?"

"Nope, I shut him up in no time" said the Navy guy.

"How'd you manage that?" asked the manager.

"He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," the
sailor explained.

"I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, and said,
'Goodnight, beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me."

********************

100

Mating Bulls

A man takes his wife to the stock show. They start heading down the
alley that had all of the bulls. They come up to the first bull and his
sign stated: "This bull mated 50 times last year."

The wife turns to her husband and says, "He mated 50 times in a year,
you could learn from him."

They proceed to the next bull and his sign stated: "This bull mated 65
times last year."

The wife turns to her husband and says, "This one mated 65 times last
year. That is over 5 times a month. You can learn from this one, also."

They proceeded to the last bull and his sign said: "This bull mated 365
times last year."

The wife's mouth drops open and says, "WOW! He mated 365 times last
year. That is ONCE A DAY!!! You could really learn from this one."

The man turns to his wife and says, "Go up and ask if it was 365 times
with the same cow."

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