welcome to
John's Joke page nr.2
21
A police man parked his police car in front of the
station.
As he gathered his equipment, his K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and he saw
a little boy staring in at them.
"Is that a dog you got back there?" he asked.
"It sure is," He replied.
Puzzled, the boy looked at him and then towards the back of the police car.
Finally he said, "What'd he do?"
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22
A lawyer walks into a bar and sits down next to a drunk who
is closely examining something held in his fingers. The
lawyer watches the drunk for a while till he finally gets
curious enough to ask what it is.
"Well," said the drunk, "it looks like plastic and feels like
rubber."
"Let me have it," said the lawyer. Taking it, he began to
roll it between his thumb and forefinger, examining it
closely. "Yes," he finally said, "it does look like plastic
and feel like rubber, but I don't know what it is. Where did
you get it?"
"From my nose," the drunk replied.
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23
A State Government Employee sits in his office and out of
boredom, decides to see what's in his old filing cabinet. He
pokes through the contents and comes across an old brass
lamp. "This would look nice on my mantelpiece," he thinks, so
he takes it home with him.
While polishing the lamp, a genie appears and grants him
three wishes.
"I wish for an ice cold diet Pepsi right now!"
POOF!
A Pepsi appears before him on his desk, so he picks it up and
guzzles it all at once.
Now that he can think more clearly, he states his second
wish. "I wish to be on an island where beautiful
nymphomaniacs reside."
POOF!
Suddenly he is on an island with gorgeous females eyeing him lustfully.
He then tells the genie his third and last wish: "I wish I'd
never have to work ever again."
POOF!
He's back in his government office.
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24
Those Little Green Snakes
Green Garden Grass snakes can be dangerous, Yes, grass snakes, not
rattlesnakes.
A couple in Sweetwater, Texas had a lot of potted plants, and during a
recent cold spell, the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to protect
them from a possible freeze. It turned out that a little green garden grass
snake was hidden in one of the plants and when it had warmed up, it
slithered out and the wife saw it go under the sofa. She let out a very
loud scream.
The husband who was taking a shower ran out into the living room naked
to see what the problem was. She told him there was a snake under the
sofa. He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it.
About that time the family dog came and cold-nosed him on the leg. He
thought the snake had bitten him and he fainted. His wife thought he
had a heart attack, so she called an ambulance. The attendants rushed in and
loaded him on the stretcher and started carrying him out.
About that time the snake came out from under the sofa and the
Emergency Medical Technician saw it and dropped his end of the stretcher.
That's when the man broke his leg and why he is in the hospital.
The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she
called on a neighbor man. He volunteered to capture the snake.
He armed himself with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking
under the couch.
Soon he decided it was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the
sofa in relief. But in relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions,
where she felt the snake wriggling around. She screamed and fainted, the
snake rushed back under the sofa, and the neighbor man, seeing her laying
there passed out tried to use CPR to revive her.
The neighbor's wife, who had just returned from shopping at the
grocery store, saw her husband's mouth on the woman's mouth and
slammed her husband in the back of the head with a bag of canned goods,
knocking him out and cutting his scalp to a point where it needed stitches.
An ambulance was again called and it was determined that the injury required
hospitalization.
The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbor
lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed he had
been bitten by the snake. She went to the kitchen, brought back a small
bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it down the man's throat.
By now the police had arrived. They saw the unconscious man, smelled
the whiskey, and assumed that a drunken fight had occurred. They were
about to arrest them all, when the two women tried to explain how it all
happened over a little green snake. They called an ambulance, which took
away
the neighbor and his sobbing wife.
Just then the little snake crawled out from under the couch. One of
the policemen drew his gun and fired at it. He missed the snake and hit
the leg of the end table that was on one side of the sofa. The table fell
over and the lamp on it shattered and as the bulb broke, it started a fire
in
the drapes.
The other policeman tried to beat out the flames and fell through the
window into the yard on top of the family dog, who startled, jumped up and
raced out into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and
smashed into the parked police car and set it on fire. Meanwhile the burning
drapes had spread to the walls and the entire house was blazing.
Neighbors had called the fire department and the arriving fire-truck
had started raising his ladder as they were halfway down the street. The
rising ladder tore out the overhead wires and put out the electricity and
disconnected the telephones in a ten-square city block area.
Time passed . . . . . . Both men were discharged from the
hospital, the house was re-built, the police acquired a new car, and all was
right with their world -------
About a year later they were watching TV and the weatherman announced
a cold snap for that night. The husband asked his wife if she thought they
should bring in their plants for the night. She shot him.
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25
Sadie's husband Jake has been slipping in and out of a coma
for several months, yet his faithful wife stays by his
bedside day and night. One night, Jake comes to and motions
for her to come closer. He says, "My Sadie, you have been
with me through all the bad times. When I got fired, you
were there to support me. When my business failed, you were
there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the
house, you gave me support. When my health started failing,
you were still by my side. You know what, Sadie?"
"What dear?" she asked gently.
"I think you're bad luck."
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26
A salesman telephoned a household, and a
four-year-old boy answered. The conversation went thus: Salesman:
May I speak to your mother? Boy: She's not here. Salesman:
Well, is anyone else there? Boy: My sister. Salesman:
O.K., fine. May I speak to her? Boy: I guess so. At this point
there was a very long silence on the phone. Then: Boy: Hello? Salesman:
It's you. I thought you were going to call your sister? Boy: I
did. The trouble is, I can't get her out of the playpen.
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27
Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl
whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"
"Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of
her life," her mother tried to explain, keeping it simple.
The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So why's the groom
wearing black?"
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28
Children's talk
You're American when you go in the
bathroom and you're American when you come out. What are you in the bathroom?
European. [Thanks to Andrea, age 10]
Why
do Pilgrims' pants always fall down?
Because they wear their buckles on their hats.
Why do
gorillas have big nostrils?
Because they have big fingers.
What did Batman and Robin become when run over by a
bus?
Flatman and Ribbon.
What do
you call a boomerang that doesn't work?
A stick.
What has four legs, is
green, fuzzy and if it falls out of a tree on top of you will kill you?
A pool table. [Thanks to Michael, age 11]
Why don't eggs tell
jokes?
They'd crack each-other up!
Why did the elephant
paint his toenails red?
So he could hide in the strawberry patch.
What do you get when you cross a chicken and a caterpillar?
Drumsticks for everyone.
Why did Tigger jump
down the toilet?
He was looking for Pooh!
What kind of ticks do you find on the moon?
Luna-ticks.
Why did the dolphin cross the beach?
To get to the other tide.
What did the digital watch say to the grandfather
clock?
Look, pop, no hands!
Why was the guy fired from the orange juice factory?
He couldn't concentrate.
Why do cows wear bells?
Because their horns don't work.
What goes "ooo, oooo, oooo?"
A cow with no lips.
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29
In the middle of a forest, there was a hunter who was suddenly
confronted by a huge, mean bear. In his fear, all attempts to
shoot the bear were unsuccessful. Finally, he turned and ran
as fast as he could.
The hunter ran and ran and ran, until he ended up at the edge
of a very steep cliff. His hopes were dim.
Seeing no way out of his predicament, and with the bear closing
in rather quickly, the hunter got down on his knees, opened his
arms, and exclaimed, "Dear God! Please give this bear some
'religion!'"
The sky darkened and there was lightning in the air. Just a few
feet short of the hunter, the bear came to abrupt stop, and
glanced around, somewhat confused. Suddenly, the bear looked up
into the sky and said,
"Thank you, God, for the food I'm about to receive...."
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30
Two small boys were overheard talking at the zoo one day.
"My name is Billy. What's yours?" asked the first boy.
"Tommy," replied the second.
"My Daddy's an accountant. What does your Daddy do for a living?" asked
Billy.
Tommy replied, "My Daddy's a lawyer."
"Honest?" asked Billy.
"No, just the regular kind," replied Tommy
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31
A psychiatrist's secretary walked into his study and said,
"There's a gentleman in the waiting room asking to see you.
Claims he's invisible."
The psychiatrist responded, "Tell him I can't see him."
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32
What are a woman's four favorite animals?
A Mink in the closet,
a Jaguar in the garage,
a Tiger in the bedroom,
and a Jackass who'll pay for it all.
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33
A man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the
things around the house that he used to do. When the
examination was complete, he said, "Now, Doc, I can take it.
Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me."
"Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "you're just
lazy."
"Okay," said the man. "Now give me the medical term so I can
tell my wife."
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34
Patient: Doctor, you must help me. I'm under a lot of stress.
I keep losing my temper with people…
Doctor: Tell me about your problem.
Patient: I just did, you stupid jerk!
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35
A farmer stood leaning on a fence at the edge of his property.He watched as a
red sports car came over the top of a hill and followed the road up to the spot
where he stood.
The driver pulled over to the side of the road and called out
to the farmer. "Do you know how I can get to Route 91?" the driver asked.
The farmer thought for a few seconds. Then he said, "Nope."
"Do you know where the nearest turnpike entrance is?" the driver asked.
"Nope."
"How about the town of Hadley. Do you know which direction it is from here?"
"Nope."
Exasperated, the driver raced his engine. "You don't know very much, do you?"
he said.
"Nope," the farmer replied. "But I'm not lost."
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36
An exhausted hunter out in the wilds stumbled into a camp.
"Am I glad to see you," he said, "I've been lost for three
days."
"Don't get too excited, friend," the other hunter replied.
"I've been lost for three weeks."
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37
Two elderly gentlemen are talking
John: "This hearing aid is the best I've ever had, it cost three thousand
dollars."
William: "Oh really? What kind is it?"
John: "Half past four."
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38
Grizzly bear warning
In light of the rising frequency of human/grizzly bear conflicts, the
Montana Department of Fish and Game is advising hikers, hunters, and
fishermen to take extra precautions and keep alert for bears while in the
field. We advise that outdoors men wear noisy little bells on their clothing
so as not to startle bears that aren't expecting them. We also advise
outdoors men to carry pepper spray with them in case of an encounter with a
bear. It is also a good idea to watch out for fresh signs of bear activity.
Outdoors men should recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly
bear droppings. Black bear droppings are smaller and contain lots of berries
and squirrel fur. Grizzly bear droppings have little bells in them and smell
like pepper.
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39
The Moon
Scientists have shown that the moon is moving away at a tiny, although
measurable distance from the earth every year.
If you do the math, you can calculate that 85 million years ago the moon was
orbiting the earth at a distance of about 35 feet from the earth's surface.
This would explain the death of the dinosaurs...the tallest ones, anyway.
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40
Driving the wrong way
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.
Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just
heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on 280. Please be
careful!"
"Heck," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"
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