welcome to John

welcome to

John's Joke page nr.4

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

************

Do you know the punishment for bigamy?
Do you know the punishment for bigamy?
Two mothers-in-law.

************

Then there was a man who said,
" I never knew what real happiness was
until I gor married and then it was to late."

************

A little boy asked his father,
"Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
And the father replied, " I don't know son,
I'm still paying."

*********

How do men define marriage?
An expensive way to get laundry done for free

*******

First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

********

Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts
of Africa, a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?
Dad: That happens in every country, son.

***********************

This woman at a party walked up to this man and told him, "If
you were my husband I would poison your drink," and the man
says, "If you were my wife I would drink it."

**********************

On the first day of college, the dean addressed the students,
pointing out some of the rules: "The female dormitory will be
out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory
to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule
will be fined twenty dollars the first time."
He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second
time will be fined sixty dollars. Being caught a third time
will cost you a fine of one hundred eighty dollars. Are there
any questions?"
A male student in the crowd inquired: "How much for a season
pass?"

**********************

A man was sued by a woman for defamation of character.
She charged that he had called her a pig. The man was found
guilty and fined. After the trial he asked the judge, "This
means that I cannot call Mrs. Johnson a pig?"
The judge said that was true.
"Does this mean I cannot call a pig Mrs. Johnson?" the man asked.
The judge replied that he could indeed call a pig Mrs. Johnson with no fear
of legal action.
The man looked directly at Mrs. Johnson and said, "Good
afternoon, Mrs. Johnson."

**********************

The suave Central American diplomat was talking to the prim
and proper Washington hostess. "In my country," he said, "the
most popular of all activities is making love."
Shocked, the wide-eyed hostess said, "Oh! Isn't that revolting!"
"No," the diplomat said. "That's our second-favorite activity."

***********************

I have problems with my computer.

We can send a specialist over to you after 4 o'clock.

Couldn't he come a little earlier?

No.I'm sorry but his mother can't pick him up from school

before 3 o'clock.

************************

Russian man saves his rubles for twenty years to buy a new car. After
choosing the model and options he wants, he's not the least bit
surprised or even concerned to learn that it will take two years for the
new car to be delivered. He thanks the salesman and starts to leave,
but as he reaches the door he pauses and turns back to the salesman "Do
you know which week two years from now the new car will arrive?" he
asks.

The salesman checks his notes and tells the man that it will be two
years to the exact week. The man thanks the salesman and starts out
again, but upon reaching the door, he turns back again.

"Could you possibly tell me what day of the week two years from now the
car will arrive?" The salesman, mildly annoyed, checks his notes again
and says that it will be exactly two years from this week, on Thursday.
The man thanks the salesman and once again starts to leave.

Halfway though the door, he hesitates, turns back, and walks up to the
salesman. "I'm sorry to be so much trouble, but do you know if that
will be two years from now on Thursday in the morning, or in the
afternoon?"

Visibly irritated, the salesman flips through his papers yet another
time and says sharply that it will be in the afternoon, two years from
now on Thursday.

"That's a relief!" says the man. "The plumber is coming in the
morning."

***************************

A noted psychiatrist was a guest at a blonde gathering, and his hostess
naturally broached the subject in which the doctor was most at ease.
"Would you mind telling me, Doctor," she asked, "how you detect a mental
deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?"

"Nothing is easier," he replied. "You ask him a simple question which
everyone should answer with no trouble. If he hesitates, that puts you
on the track."

"What sort of question?"

"Well, you might ask him, 'Captain Cook made three trips around the
world and died during one of them. Which one?' The blonde thought a
moment, then said with a nervous laugh, "You wouldn't happen to have
another example would you? I must confess I don't know much about
history."

************************

At an Engineering firm as a design engineer, most of
the engineers were men. One in particular liked to tease the young
women who filed the engineering drawings.

When he walked into the filing room he noticed a lingerie magazine. He
asked one of the more modest women what she was going to order. Trying
to fend wit for wit she replied "I'll show you when I get it."

"GREAT!" he exclaimed.

Flustered, she quickly retorted "NO! No! I mean I'll show it to you in
the sack!"

"Wow! That's even better yet!" he quickly quipped.

By then, it was too late and everyone in the office was in tears.

**********************

A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon.
When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother.
Her mother asked, "How was the honeymoon?"

"Oh, mama," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful!
So romantic..." Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, mama,
as soon as we returned Sam started using the most horrible
language...things I'd never heard before! I mean, all these
awful 4-letter words! You've got to come get me and take
me home.... Please mama!"

"Sarah, Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! Tell me, what
could be so awful? What 4-letter words?"

"Please don't make me tell you, mama," wept the daughter,
"I'm so embarrassed they're just too awful! Come get me,
please!"

"Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset....
Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!"

Still sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, mama...words like DUST,
WASH, IRON, COOK...!"

**********************

Cinderella is now 75 years old. After a fulfilling
life with the now dead Prince, she happily sits upon
her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her
front porch, with a cat named Bob for companionship.

One sunny afternoon, out of nowhere, appeared the
Fairy Godmother.
Cinderella said "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing
here after all these years?"

The Fairy godmother replied, "Cinderella, you have
lived an exemplary life since I last saw you. Is there
anything for which your heart still yearns?"

Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some
thoughtful consideration, and almost under her breath
she uttered her first wish: I wish I were wealthy
beyond comprehension."

Instantly, her rocking chair was turned into solid
gold. Cinderella was stunned. Bob, her old faithful
cat, jumped off her lap and scampered to the edge of
the porch, quivering with fear.

Cinderella said, "Oh thank you, Fairy Godmother".
The Fairy Godmother replied "It is the least I can do.
What does your heart want for your second wish?"

Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said:
"I wish I were young and full of the beauty of youth
again". At once, her wish became reality, and her
beautiful youthful visage returned. Cinderella felt
stirrings inside her that had been dormant for years.
A long forgotten vigor and vitality began to course
through her.

Then the Fairy Godmother again spoke "You have one
more wish, what shall you have?"

Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the
corner and says, "I wish for you to transform Bob, my
old cat, into a kind and handsome young man".

Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a
change in his biological make-up, that when complete
he stood before her, a man, so beautiful the likes of
which neither she nor the world had ever seen, so fair
indeed that birds began to fall from the sky at his
feet.

The Fairy Godmother again spoke, "Congratulations,
Cinderella.
Enjoy your new life."

And, with a blazing shock of bright blue electricity,
she was gone.

For a few eerie moments, Bob and Cinderella looked
into each other's eyes.

Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most
stunningly perfect man she had ever seen. Then Bob
walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her
rocking chair, and held her close in his young
muscular arms.

He leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his
warm breath as he whispered, "I bet you regret having
me neutered now, don't you?"

*****************

Nick and Lou head out for a quick round of golf. Since they
are short on time, they decide to play only 9 holes. Nick
says to Lou, "Let's say we make the time worth the while, at
least for one of us, and spot $5 on the lowest score for the
day." Lou agrees and they enjoy a great game. After the 8th
hole, Lou is ahead by 1 stroke, but cuts his ball into the
rough on the 9th.

"Help me find my ball; you look over there," he says to Nick.
After 5 minutes, neither has had any luck, and since a lost
ball carries a four-point penalty, Lou pulls a ball from his
pocket and tosses it to the ground. "I've found my ball!" he
announces triumphantly.

Nick looks at him forlornly, "After all the years we've been
friends, you'd cheat me on golf for a measly five bucks?"

"What do you mean cheat? I found my ball sitting right here!"

"And a liar, too!" Nick says with amazement. "I'll have you
know I've been standing on your ball for the last five
minutes!"

********************

Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed
cold cream on her face.

"Why do you do that, mommy?" he asked.

"To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began
removing the cream with a tissue.

"What's the matter?" asked Little Johnny. "Giving up?"

******************

Dentist to Patient: "Would you help me? Could you give out a
few of your loudest, most painful screams?"

Patient: "Why, Doc? It isn't all that bad this time."

Dentist: "There are so many people in the waiting room right
now and I don't want to miss the 5 o'clock football game."

*******************

Milo passed away and Bud called 911. The 911 operator told
Bud that she would send someone out right away.

"Where do you live?" asked the operator.

Bud replied, "At da end of Eucalyptus Drive."

The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?"

There was a long pause and finally Bud said, "How 'bout if I
drag 'er over to Oak Street and you pick her up der?"

*******************

In the beginning God created the heaven and the Earth. And the Earth was
without form, and void, and darkness was upon the face of the deep. And
the Devil said, "It doesn't get any better than this."

And God said, "Let there be light" and there was light. And God said, "Let
the earth bring forth grass, the herb yielding seed, and the fruit tree
yielding fruit," and God saw that it was good.

And the devil said, "There goes the neighborhood."

And God said, "Let Us make man in Our image, after Our likeness, and let
them have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air
and over the cattle, and over all the Earth, and over every creeping thing
that creepeth upon the Earth." And so God created man in His own image;
male and female created He them.

And God looked upon man and woman and saw that they were lean and fit. And
the devil said, "I know how I can get back in this game."

And God populated the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach and
green and yellow vegetables of all kinds, so man and woman would live long
and healthy lives.

And the devil created McDonald's. And McDonald's brought forth the 79-cent
double cheeseburger.

And the devil said to man: "You want fries with that?" And man said,
"Supersize them." And man gained five pounds.

And God created the healthful yogurt, that woman might keep her figure
that man found so fair. And the devil brought forth chocolate. And woman
gained five pounds.

And God said, "Try My crispy fresh salad."

And the devil brought forth Ben and Jerry's. And woman gained 10 pounds.
And God said, "I have sent thee heart-healthy vegetables and olive oil
with which to cook them."

And the devil brought forth chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own
platter. And man gained 10 pounds and his bad cholesterol went through the
roof. And God brought forth running shoes and Man resolved to lose those
extra pounds.

And the devil brought forth cable TV with remote control so man would not
have to toil to change channels between ESPN and ESPN2. And man gained
another 20 pounds.

And God said, "You're running up the score, devil." And God brought forth
the potato, a vegetable naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition.
And the devil peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center
into chips and deep-fried them. And the devil created sour cream dip. And
man clutched his remote control and ate the potato chips swaddled in
cholesterol. And the devil saw and said, "It is good."

And man went into cardiac arrest. And God sighed and created quadruple
bypass surgery. And the devil canceled man's health insurance.

Then God showed woman how to peel the skin off chicken and cook the
nourishing whole grain brown rice. And God created the life-giving tofu.
And woman ventured forth into the land of Godiva Chocolate and upon
returning asked man, "Do I look fat?"

And the devil said, "Always tell the truth."

And man did. And woman went out from the presence of man and dwelt in the
land of the divorce lawyer, east of the marriage counselor. And woman put
aside the seeds of the earth and took unto herself comfort food.
And God brought forth Weight Watchers. It didn't help.

And God created exercise machines with easy payments. And man brought
forth his Visa at 21 percent. And the exercise machine went to dwell in
the closet of Nod, east of the polyester leisure suit. And in the fullness
of time, woman received the exercise machine from man in the property
settlement.

It didn't help her, either.

*****************

One day, the phone rang, and a little boy answered.
"May I speak to your parents?"
"They're busy."
"Oh. Is anybody else there?"
"The police."
"Can I speak to them?"
"They're busy."
"Oh. Is anybody else there?"
"The firemen."
"Can I speak to them?"
"They're busy."
"So let me get this straight -- your parents, the police, and
the firemen are there, but they're all busy? What are they
doing?"
"Looking for me."

******************

A vacationing businessman was walking along a beach when he saw a young boy.
Along the shore were many starfish that had been washed up by the tide and
were sure to die before the tide returned. The boy was walked slowly along
the shore and occasionally reached down and tossed the beached starfish back
into the ocean.

The businessman, hoping to teach the boy a little lesson in common sense,
walked up to the boy and said, "I have been watching what you are doing,
son. You have a good heart, and I know you mean well, but do you realize
how many beaches there are around here and how many starfish are dying on
every beach every day. Surely such an industrious and kind hearted boy
such as yourself could find something better to do with your time. Do you
really think that what you are doing is going to make a difference?"

The boy looked up at the man, and then he looked down at a starfish by
his feet. He picked up the starfish, and as he gently tossed it back into
the ocean, he said, "It makes a difference to that one."

****************

It's Saturday morning and John's just about to set off on a
round of golf when he realizes that he forgot to tell his
wife that the guy who fixes the washing machine is coming
around at noon. So John heads back to the clubhouse and phones
home.

"Hello?" says a little girl's voice.

"Hi, honey, it's Daddy," says John. "Is Mommy near the phone?"

"No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Fred."

After a brief pause, John says, "But you haven't got an Uncle
Fred, honey!"

"Yes, I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy!"

"Okay, then. Here's what I want you do. Put down the phone,
run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout in to
Mommy and Uncle Fred that my car's just pulled up outside
the house."

"Okay, Daddy!" A few minutes later, the little girl comes
back to the phone. "Well, I did what you said, Daddy."

"And what happened?"

"Well, Mommy jumped out of bed and ran around screaming, then
she tripped over the rug and went out the front window and
now she's all dead."

"Oh, my God! What about Uncle Fred?"

"He jumped out of bed too, and he was all scared, and he
jumped out the back window into the swimming pool. But he
must have forgot that last week you took out all the water to
clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and now
he's dead too."

There is a long pause.

"Swimming pool? Is this 555-3097?"

*******************

My first "real" job was in a large printing plant, where I was assigned
a tiny work space in the general manager's office. Because of this, I
was often present when job applicants were interviewed.

One day I was working quietly as my boss questioned a young man who
claimed to be an experienced printing press operator. Personally, I
thought he looked much too young to have worked five years at the trade,
as he claimed, but that certainly wasn't any of my business. I tried
not to listen in on the interview, but close quarters made that impossible.

"So, what kind of press are you most familiar with?" my boss questioned.

After a slight, fidgety pause, the applicant replied, "A printing press, sir."

Grinning broadly, the manager clarified, "Yes, of course. I mean who
manufactured it? What brand name? Was it, say, A. B. Dick? Or maybe Heidelberg?"

"Oh!" the kid replied, obviously relieved to grasp his intent. "It was an Additional."

"Come again, son?"

"Made by Additional. I'm very good with Additionals, sir. In fact, you
could say I know Additional presses inside and out. I'm the best
pressman you could hire, for running an Additional!"

My boss looked so thoroughly confused that I couldn't resist getting
involved. I silently passed him a copy of the message his secretary had
earlier asked me to send to her contacts at various job placement agencies.
It was worded something like this:

"Having recently purchased two additional presses, Acme Printing
Corporation seeks to hire qualified operators to bring them into full
production ... , etc., etc."

********************

There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things
mechanical. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily
retired.
Several years later the company contacted him regarding a seemingly
impossible problem they were having with one of their multimillion dollar
machines. They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine to
work but to no avail. In desperation, they called on the retired engineer
who had solved so many of their problems in the past.
The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. He spent a day studying the
huge machine. At the end of the day, he marked a small "x" in chalk on a
particular component of the machine and stated, "This is where your problem
is". The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again.
The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his service.
They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges. The engineer responded
briefly: One chalk mark, $1. Knowing where to put it, $49,999. It was paid
in full and the engineer retired again in peace.

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